Government Reminds US To Be Afraid

Tom Ridge, Director of Homeland Security, reminded America that there is still credible evidence AlQaeda wants to attack America even if there is no specific information on when and where. Citing the lack of specific evidence, local police forces beefed up security based on allegations that AlQaeda wants to disrupt the national election in November. Rumor has it that Osama himself is coordinating the latest terrorist plot. Homeland Security is now looking at ways to secure America's polling places this fall (unfortunately, none of the measures being considered includes a verifiable paper trail for voters on electronic machines). Security alerts cautioned police to be on the look out for overdressed people, and anyone that looks "too relaxed".

BIRDS & BEES: Down under sperm drought prompts free vacations.

HOLLYWOOD: Finally, new full length Ferrell for our viewing pleasure.

JOCKS: On your mark, get set, go to the Olympics. Athletes struggle to jump high without being accused of getting high.

TUNES: Lollapallooza, schmallapalooza, who needs a festival to go on tour? Certainly not Modest Mouse .

TECHNOLOGY: I hear dead people. Talking tombstones may be the wave of the future.

WEB SURF: Warning: Sexually Explicit Voter Mobilization Content. F%^* the Vote shows just how serious this election can be.

It doesn't matter whether you are punk-ing, hiphop-ing, rock-ing or jam-ing, if this is your first national election, you are a VoterVirgin. Have you registered for the VoterVirgin Class of '04 yet?